Finality and Consequences.

It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I guess because of all the grieving I have already done, all the confessing and repenting of my past failures and sins, and the recognition of just how much I have already dealt with over the past few years, I'm not as upset as I expected to be.

In a very passive-aggressive manner my ex-wife informed me that our divorce has been final for the last 2 months. So that part is over, and it's just dealing with the carnage left behind, and looking ahead to the blessings and challenges God has waiting for me. 

I guess that's what closure is. It's a bit of a cliche. It's certainly used a lot, and probably inaccurately. But the feeling is still there, and that seems the best word to hang on it. Of course, there is no real finality, this side of death. All the players are still alive, and have to deal with each other in some manner. Awkward and uncomfortable will continue to show up from time to time. But what isn't there, for me, and what I am surprised by is bitterness. That hard, poisonous little nut is gone. 

Grief and sadness are still there, but growing to cover them over and soften them is peace and hope for the future. This is the surprising thing for me. Not more than a few months ago, I didn't care if I lived or died. My world was a very dark hole, and I owned everything I had ever done, or had been done to me. Now, the memories still hurt, but I don't own that pain. Jesus took it away.

There are still consequences to deal with, however.

Every choice made means a multitude of options were not taken. Our lives walk an intricate tree, stepping from junction to junction. Each time we decide, or allow someone else to decide what to say or do, we reduce the range of our future choices. At each node in the tree, any number of possibilities move forward, but there is only one path going back, the choices we made.

If I had chosen to work harder as a high school student in either music, or math, or english, I might have had a shot at a better college career. But I chose what I did, which led to my meeting my wife at Community college. I could have chosen to break things off when I moved away to school, and she went into the service. But then I would not have the 3 brilliant, wonderful kids I have today, and the extended family that has been such a blessing.

Throughout my life I have chosen, or been made to choose certain paths for good or ill. Some of those I regret, most of them I do not. I am at peace with my conscience and my God with where I have been. Some choices could have been made differently, and I would be in different circumstances now, circumstances that might be better in many ways. But I would be a different person.

So I am at this place, this node in the tree. There are many choices which can be made. I pray that God guides me to make the choices which serve Him best. I trust Him to redeem all the missed choices and wasted years, and to bless me, my kids, my family and my ex-wife as He wants to do. I'm hoping I get out of his way to let that happen.